Usettling Down

Nothing like a move -litterally planning to be unsettled- to make one feel unsettled.

It's marriage knocking on my door again. Maybe it's the prospect of being closer to family, closer to friends, and out of the vacuum in which our relationship has existed for the past year and half that has me freaked out. On one hand, we both knew it would be good for us to establish ourselves in our relationship far away, given what we both had come from. But on the other hand, there's going back to where we came from. It's freaking me out. The not-understanding why we don't "just get married" is going to be closer. The pressure to behave like couples should behave is going to be closer. The family gatherings and family issues are going to be closer and more frequent. The pressure. The pressure that comes with being married to some one's family. My heart is racing just thinking about it.

Fortunately, for the past couple of years I haven't had to explain any of this to anyone (other than Scott). I never wanted to be married. Marriage was something I let myself get talked into. As long as I can remember, the idea of it seemed so un-me. But the thing is, I DID let myself get talked into it. And I did a lot of the talking. And here I am on the other side of it, two and half years divorced, in a relationship that is a great blessing, with a man who would stay un-married to me for the rest of our lives together, and... and...

...I kind of hoped I would change my mind. Part of me has always wished that I could make decisions that were easier to explain, and more acceptable without selling myself out. Part of me has always wished that even though I've been resolute about not marrying or having children, one day the man of my dreams would appear and sweep me off my feet, and suddenly I would be content doing what I was supposed to do; no complexity, just work, marry, babies, work, happy, LaLa etc.

Thing is, the man of my dreams appeared and swept me off my feet and I still don't want to get married or have kids, or do any of those things that should require more explanation in doing than in not doing. Yet, because we are not married but he supports us financially and I don't work, I've got a lot of 'splainin to do. Or, at least I feel like I do. Maybe I am a jerk. I mean, we're in love, he brings home the veggie bacon, I don't have to do anything... what the hell is wrong with me? Don't I owe our relationship the legitimacy of a legally binding document? I mean, I feel like kind of a brat, because I just don't wanna. But equating marriage with legitimate adulthood got me in a mess of trouble 4 years ago.